Over the last year or so I have lost 23 lbs. That is over and above losing the baby weight from having Noah. I had carried this extra weight since having Liam. I have gotten a variety of comments during this time. Most have been nice comments about how good I look. But, there have also been some less than nice compliments, or complisults. From a well-meaning relation, "You look really good because you know you were so chunky. You know that right? You know you were chunky." As if by telling me that I must know I was chunky means she wasn't really insulting me.
Here's the kicker, I did not think I was chunky. I did not intend to lose weight. I was within the healthy range for my height and I looked good. I was happy with how I looked. Was I aware that I could lose weight? Of course. No one can live in this appearance centered society without being fully aware of your flaws.
So, if I didn't intend to lose the weight what happened? My life, for lack of a better word, fell apart. Now, here's the part where I will be vague-blogging. No, I am not going to share what happened or what I went through. What I will share is, I hit rock bottom. I hit a point so low so very very low that I couldn't function. I completely stopped eating. Then I began eating barely enough to survive, for months. And one day I decided to run. Then I decided to run a half marathon. I trained through the pain and the stress and the darkness and I did it. I ran the Utah Valley Half marathon. Eventually I woke up. Eventually I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, and suddenly I had lost a lot of weight. Most people had hardly seen me during that time because I didn't speak to very many people, and I didn't go out in public much, if at all, so when I finally felt strong enough there was a big difference.
Do I think I look better now? Of course I do. Do I appreciate the nice, non insulting compliments? Yes. Just don't tell me I used to be fat. I mean really, who does that.
What has happened since? My outlook has changed, and I don't think it's for the better. I have started obsessing over gaining the weight back. I worry about what I eat, or feel guilty for having a treat. I am not a big sugar fiend, but I have other addictions. (Diet Pepsi). I am hyper critical of myself now. Sure I've lost some weight but suddenly it isn't enough. When will it be enough?
My husband, who does not read my blog like ever, has lost a lot of weight over the years too. He has become obsessed. He is way skinny, almost too skinny. He weighs himself 3 times a day on 3 different scales. It is his personality to obsess over everything, but this has gone too far. It's an unhealthy obsession. I asked him the other day what his goal was. When would he be happy enough to relax and focus on being healthy. He said in 2 more pounds. Isn't it always a few more pounds?
The attitude I want is to be healthy. I am working on eating for my body. I am pre-diabetic and need to be careful with sugars and carbs. I feel better when I am eating right. I am not great at it but I am trying. I just really like potatoes and rice. I want to keep running, to train for more races. I know that if I do my body will be healthy, and that's where I want to be. I want to be happy with how I look, no matter what. After all, my body has done amazing things and the scars I carry just show that I've survived, and created life, and lived.
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