A diagnosis that saved my life (sorry way long!)

i have been thinking about posting this for awhile now. its hard to put it out there, but i want to write this for me, and maybe for anyone else whom it might help.

As many of you know, because i don't stay quiet about things, i suffer from PPD (postpartum depression) pretty seriously. Here is my story.

After Elijah was born he was in the NiCU for a week with pneumonia. Needless to say that was a very hard week. He was my first baby, and i was your typical new Mom who didn't know anything trying to handle a sick child. He came home with an iv in his head that i had to give him medicine through. My Mom often commented on how well i handled doing that. To be honest i felt this odd detachment that helped me get through that. Almost like a nurse working on a stranger, maybe? i also didn't hold him much because i was worried that i would pull the iv out and have to go through the horror of getting it put back in. After another week Blake accidentally pulled it out and we finished the antibiotics with a shot. Elijah recovered very quickly and my Mom left and i was alone with a new baby. The detachment i felt didn't go away like i thought it would. For just over 2 months. i couldn't call my baby by his name because i was sure i had made a huge mistake in naming him Elijah, or any other various mistakes. After a couple of months i got better on my own without medication. Looking back i know i was depressed, but at the time i just didn't know any better. in case you are wondering, the detachment issues went away. i definitely did not make a mistake, he is very much my little Elijah.

After i had Chloe i had no problems at all. i wonder if its because she is a girl? Maybe different hormones in my system? Or maybe because she slept through the night starting the day i came home from the hospital? Either way things went smoothly and happily.

My pregnancy with Ethan was where things really started to take a turn. Disclaimer, some of the things i am going to write might be hard to read, but i am going to put it out there. You can choose to stop reading, it won't offend me.

My Dr. did an ultrasound at my 10 week appt. At that time he noticed that there was something odd about the way my csec scar healed. He was concerned, but not overly so, but enough to scare me. i spent the next 28 weeks worrying that i was going to die. At about 8 months along i started to struggle. i was in a lot of physical pain from my sciatic nerve so every movement was agony. At that point i was so exhausted. That of course is normal for pregnancy but i lost my desire to do anything. i didn't get out of bed most days. i would get up hand cereal to my kids and climb back in bed and turn on cartoons. i spend way too many days that way. i went to an appointment and the nurse practitioner noticed. She spoke to my Dr about it after i left. The next appointment i finally decided to mention it to my Dr. and started on Zoloft. it helped me get through the next couple of weeks. At 38 weeks i had some unusual pain, so the Dr decided that he needed to get Ethan out. My scar had started to come open, but luckily he was healthy and i had no issues and everything went well. He spent extra time sewing me up and making sure that i would not have further issues.

When Ethan was about 4 weeks old our marriage hit a rough patch. i won't go into details but anyone who has been married knows that ups and downs happen a lot, and it was the 7 year itch afterall. We worked through things and now our relationship is better than ever, despite all my struggles. But, during this difficult time i found myself relying on the pain killers a little too much. i had declined the strong ones my Dr had prescribed but i was still affected by what i had. i quit those and got through the pain on my own. i was able to wean off the Zoloft when Ethan was 6 months old and everything seemed fine. Throughout this time my brain would not stay quiet. At least once a day i would have a suicidal thought. i honestly do not think i was in danger but i could not stop my brain from thinking of ways to die. i love my kids and my family and they are my whole World and i would do anything for them, so i know i would never have done anything, and i never tried, but the thoughts were there and they were painful.

i got pregnant very unexpectedly with Liam and for the most part things went smoothly. i had severe sciatica but that wasn't unusual. At one point i was sobbing in the Doc's office because i couldn't make the pain stop. i tried physical therapy, but that didn't help. He gave me the go ahead for the occasional use of Lortaib, which i did use about once a week. Usually 1 pill would kill the pain for a couple of days. But, i survived. Because of my history i went back on Zoloft the last month of my pregnancy. i didn't want to risk anything. Again i had scar issues so they did my csec at 38 weeks.

Liam got pneumonia at birth. i am a carrier of some virus that they can't test for and can't do anything about. At least, that is what the nicu Dr explained to me. After my csec i wanted to be up and in the nicu with my baby, so i took everything. i had morphine in an iv after the csec, demerol, percocet, 800 mgs ibuprofen, and oxycotin. Probably not all at once, but over the 4 day stay at the hospital. When i had Ethan i declined a lot of it and was fine, but i was able to rest. Luckily, Liam got well amazingly fast and i was able to take him home after a week.

That first week was so chaotic i didn't have time to feel anything. My wonderful mother in law stayed for a week and then we all went down to AZ for 2 weeks, which was absolutely wonderful. Things were great.

After getting home everything seemed to fall apart. Lets face it, 4 kids 5 and under is a lot. it was probably normal, but my house was messy, my bills were ignored, i pretty much was in survival mode, and just did the bare necessities. Around that time the suicidal thoughts started up again. i also started craving my pain killers. i would watch the clock for the next time i could take something and count down to that euphoric feeling. i became aware of what i was doing and it scared me so i got rid of everything i had left.

For the most part i thought i was doing ok. The suicidal thoughts were such a part of every day life that i thought it was just normal for me. i was still only on a low dose of Zoloft and thought it was working fine. (My main thought, and sorry if this is graphic, but when things got rough a picture of a gun at my head and pulling the trigger would pop in my head. Sometimes as often as 10 times a day.)

How i got through i don't even know. A lot of it was with the help of my wonderful sister in law. All summer i spent a lot of time at her house and was able to get breaks from my kids and she got me out of the house. i don't think she ever realized how much she helped and how much i needed her, and still do. The following summer was more of the same.

Well, i was barely holding on, and then Jeff passed away. Add grief to it and i broke down completely. i stopped going to church, i didn't participate in anything that wasn't necessary for my kids and things fell apart even more. i was so tired all the time, and it wasn't Liam, he was sleeping through the night. The suicidal thoughts began to increase so much. i really didn't know how to stop them and at times i would cry because i didn't want to feel that pain. i upped my dose of Zoloft, but that wasn't enough. i know that exercise and eating right are some of the best ways to help, but i couldn't do that. Once school started back up again this year i was able to nap every day if i wanted. i started to have panic attacks on days when i wasn't going to get the nap. Now, panic attacks were a normal ongoing problem for me. i couldn't even call people on the phone because i would start hyperventilating and shaking. Meeting new people was pretty much impossible, and facing those that i knew was horrible for me.

it had been a year since Jeff's death and i still wasn't getting better. i was getting worse every day. (Sorry this part is confusing but those 2 years have blurred together in a blob of horrible emotions its hard to remember). i was getting more depressed, more suicidal thoughts, more exhausted, and my mind was in a fog i just didn't understand.

i went to my OB for my yearly checkup and asked him to check my thyroid. He was a little skeptical and said maybe i was just so tired because i had 4 small children. it came back under active and i started on a synthroid.

i was simply hoping that my exhaustion would get better and i would be able to exercise and do what i needed. What i didn't expect was just how much it changed my life. i have not had a suicidal thought or a panic attack since about 2 weeks into the medicine. i have energy! My brain is working! i actually care about getting my life together. i am weaning off Zoloft and doing fine! i am a new person!

it may sound dramatic when i say that this 1 diagnosis saved my life, but i wasn't living my life before, and now i finally can! A good functioning thyroid makes such a difference! it is amazing how many aspects of my life it affects.

Now for a public service announcement. Postpartum Depression is real. it is not the baby blues and no the person can not just snap out of it and be happy. Believe me, no one wants to feel that way and if they could turn it off they would. i think more people need to be aware of it so that they can recognize when its happening. Also, a fully functioning thyroid is so incredibly important!!!!!